Stupid Love

People just strive to find happiness. But how can there be happiness without sorrow?

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         People do stupid things for love. They love even though there are so many uncertainties. They love even though they know that eventually, they will get hurt. They still love even though they are already hurting. They gain the capacity to wait for long periods of time without knowing if it will bear fruit when in reality, they can’t even wait long enough for a single message to send. They learn to feel numb inside every time their love is denied. They become stubborn and strong-willed that not even a storm could devastate it. They shed tears one after the other but still want to hold on. They lose hope and courage but still keeps pushing on. Are they masochists who find pleasure in hurting themselves? Why don’t they know how to give up? Is it really all worth it? Nobody can really say. People just strive to find happiness. But how can there be happiness without sorrow? That is what they call the “Law of Opposites”, right? So when do they know when enough is enough?

Why?

Void, a black hole, nothingness, empty, blank… If I could just command my heart to be that… Then I guess I wouldn’t hurt as much…

 

Why?

All I ask is loyalty…

To love me truthfully…

And to only look at me…

Why?

All I ask is honesty…

But all you do is lie…

While looking at me straight in the eye…

Why?

All I ask is happiness…

But loving you makes me a mess…

Oh, where is the tenderness?

Why?

All I did is love you…

I gave my heart and soul to you…

But why am I never enough for you?

Why?

My eyes are dry…

No more can they cry…

But my heart bleeds and I just can’t deny…

Why?

Is it fun to hurt me?

Are you jumping with joy

Whenever you cheat on me?

Why?

All I did was love you…

Is this really the only way

To reciprocate my love for you?

 

CharMark, How It All Began

I rushed to him, grinning widely. I stopped in front of him and opened my arms and he couldn’t resist it, with his nonchalance gone, he threw his arms around me and gave me a tight, long hug.

This is a story of two people who did not expect to be together but somehow, found their way in each other’s arms.

It all started when I was working in Thailand. It was in 2011 when one day, I stumbled on a friend request as I was browsing my Facebook account. It was a guy named Mark Villaroman, he was from Bacolod City, Philippines and what made it strange is that I don’t know anyone from that place (I’m from Carcar City, Cebu, Philippines). “Who is this guy?”, I thought. I did not know him so I checked our mutual friends and saw that he was friends with my Uncle and deduced that he must be a family friend whom I forgot so I accepted his request. Occasionally, he would message me but I would just read his message and not reply or at times when I did reply, it was very short and it did not give any room for more conversation. To be exact, I ignored him.

It wasn’t till late 2012 when we finally struck a long conversation when I happened to buy the exact same phone brand and model as him (NOKIA Lumia 710), the only difference was the color, mine was black and he got the white one.

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Thanks to that, I was able to talk to him about something and did not feel awkward about it (I’m usually awkward with strangers). After enthusiastically talking about the coincidence, I was finally able to ask him how he knew me. It turned out that I was a flower girl at his Aunt’s wedding which was held in Cebu when I was just 5 years old (no wonder I couldn’t remember) and he was 9. He was indeed a family friend but I was too young to remember. I do recall the wedding because of the pictures but I did not see him there so he sent me his picture.  And here we were…

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circa 1995

So there, after the strong evidence that he showed me, I believed him. It was all too funny for me because I didn’t expect to be conversing with someone I met so long ago (I was 22 and he was 26 at the time of our first real conversation). From then on, we would chat almost every day. We actually had a lot of things to talk about and I always looked forward to chatting with him at the end of the day (using phones were not allowed at my workplace). The only problem was, I had a boyfriend then (who was a jerk and only used me) so I started to feel guilty because I am supposed to be a loyal girlfriend. So I told him all about it, about how I was feeling and my situation. He understood so he respected me for having my boundaries around him.

During that time, I wasn’t really in a healthy relationship. My friends were so against my so called “boyfriend” but I didn’t listen to them because sadly, I was a bit blinded. I knew our relationship was in a rut because it was hidden and I would mostly cry than laugh and it was only a few weeks into the relationship. Sometimes I would think if only I did not rush building a relationship with that guy, but it has been 4 years since my last relationship and I thought it was already time to move on. Well, obviously, I was totally wrong, I should have waited. But it wasn’t all in vain, Mark was there to lift me up whenever I was down. He always told me that if I’m not happy, I should let go. I knew I wasn’t happy with my boyfriend, I was happier talking to him. It was so obvious already, I was falling with him. So I gathered up my courage and finally broke up with my boyfriend. It was like a big load of baggage was lifted up from me, it felt really good.

I told Mark about it and he was happy for me. Not because he already has a chance to be my potential boyfriend, because he was already courting me that time (though maybe partly) but he was really happy to see a brighter version of me, I was full of life again, no more red eyes and eye bags. Since he was in the Philippines and I was in Thailand, all we could do was chat in messenger, skype, or Whatsapp. Nevertheless, it was fun chatting with him, exchanging voice records and images, and video chatting. Our relationship deepened and naturally, we started calling pet names (we call each other ‘sweetie’). On January 8, 2013; we decided to make it official, we were finally boyfriend and girlfriend.

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A few weeks later, I booked a flight to Bacolod for August 9, 2013, to finally meet him for the first time after more than 20 years. We waited for months, weeks and days. When the day finally came, I felt the nerves crawl on my skin. I was anxious, nervous, and excited, very excited! “I’m finally seeing him!” was all I could think of. As the plane landed in Bacolod, I couldn’t contain my excitement anymore, I was smiling from ear to ear. I exited the airport and my eyes were scanning for him, looking for the love of my life and voila! He was there, standing with his back to the post, earphones in his ear, acting nonchalant. I rushed to him, grinning widely. I stopped in front of him and opened my arms and he couldn’t resist it, with his nonchalance gone, he threw his arms around me and gave me a tight, long hug. It didn’t feel awkward at all, instead, I felt at home in his arms. His warmth, his smell, his touch, forever etched in my mind. As we rode the van to the city, we held each other’s hand fitting perfectly like it was always meant to be.

These were all just part of the beginning. Please look forward to the continuation. Thanks for taking your time to read this. ^_^